jan21/25︎ ♏︎

I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

It is not cowardly, it is cunning. Anything that seems contradictory is labelled contradictory, but a lot of the time, we accept paradoxes that are non-sensical when closely analyzed and tried for proof, and yet they stand as foundational pillars to faith and belief. Somehow, the human understands that there are some infallible things about the universe that exist, like 1+1=2, and yet somehow we reject the idea that something created the universe. The human is limited in design, limited in senses, limited in knowledge, in brain capacity, therefore making us limited in how we can dream. You can know so much, yet it's closer to zero than it is to infinity...

But due to our programming as limited beings, that allows us to have this cool thing called a personality. This personality is what others like to use to describe who they are as a person, because we are all not the same in personality, yet we function on food, water, and sleep. Yet even the food we eat has a personality due to the environment of its ingredients; so shouldn't human personality be the same thing, as it is caused by the environment of its beliefs? Like plants all survive off of water and sunlight, and celullarly they have the same organelles, yet slight switches in the DNA create trillions of plant species that become extinct and others flourish. Imagine complete species stop existing. Though humans come in different sizes, colours, and beliefs, if you hook up with one, you can still get a baby. The cool thing about humans is that we can be seperated by cultures, languages, colour, and beliefs, yet we can intermingle. Some people want to keep it pure, others just don't care, they want that nyash.

Personally, I have my types, I like my own culture, and I like cultures that I feel I'm comfortable with. I'm no bigot, I just have a type. Like, I'm not interested in other things because I hate other people, no, well, it's more nuanced than that, but I like it because I can get a hang of it, and it's cool to show other people. However, I do deal with people pleasing, and that's just an entirely whole different can of worms. As a kid, I would be aware of these things, but I wouldn't act upon it, even if it was for the benefit of myself. Really, this is just me rejecting myself for the sake of external factors, like trying to appease other's interests, and fearing the disapproval of others, especially those who have any semblance of authority or power over me. This NeoCities site is actually something I've been thinking about for a few weeks, but having the idea of a fully fleshed out NeoCities website was something I dreamed of years before. I dont want anything to get in my way, but I fear that somebody will find out. I fear ridicule. I want out.

Often I lay in my bed

(10:25 GN) I thought about ex-fine shyt for a few months, man I realize that denial was the first step to acceptance. She gave a clear signal that she did not want to be into me, telling me to slow down and think, but she wanted to try and make the relationship last. Though what her words said were contradictory—where she said she didn't want a boyfriend but then after a week of not texting, she sends me the heart hands emoji—her intentions remain in the same direction, trying to go to the same goal. I remember seeing her googly eyes after ghosting her over the summer, and I could tell she still had limerance. I might as well be overanalyzing, but how I thought about the entire situationship—even from before it began—I re

jan21/25 ♏︎