2025-jan-22 ❍︎

वात (Vāta)

This world is as much about you as you make it to be. This world is for you as much as it isn't.
I'm a Jaden Smith copycat frfr

My instructor today said "That one chinese butterfly quote" and rambled on about AI. I got curious and so I found it:
“Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.”—Zhuangzi

Bro mf stupid ahh goofy doohickey han dynasty monkey lookin timewaster over here, of course you're a human. But this really shows that you can really be whatever, whether you like it or not. Every circumstance that led up to that point led up to that point for a reason: To become that which exists at that time. It makes sense, but many people forget that their actions have consequences—even I do. I'm often held back by wanting to be something rather than doing the steps to actually self-actualize. But here's the kicker, my perfectionist lookin ahh got absolutely rattled and overwhelmed by the world of self-improvement.

Rather than focusing on one thing and obsessing over it—and doing whatever on the side—I started to focus wayyyyy too much on multiple different things. Though my dreams were big, my hopes eventually waned, and I started beating myself (up) for not doing the good habits; rather, I slipped back into the bad habits. I dreamed too high, but my actions did not align with my thoughts. Yet I still maintain this thinking—almost like wishful thinking—that one day, I will become bigger than life, bigger than I could comprehend, as big as what my dream would allow me to become.

I'm still waiting...

anyone there?..

I often entertain the idea of leaving my childhood house and restarting life. One thing I fear is that the habits of my old home will move in rent-free with me—that I might fail to do anything about it, or anything at all—and fall right back into complacency. It was a good start, but not the best. But it's because I obsess over those failures. In a perfect world, I would obsess over obsession of whatever I do. Meta-obsession. And here's where I think a good strategy for me to use is.

As a kid, I often lacked follow-through, but I didn't beat myself obsessively over it—it's just like practicing a sprint, or training for something—I would just do it because it felt good to me at that time. I had no rhyme or reason to do it as a job or even call it a hobby, because I was everywhere at anytime. But those times of flow—undivided focus—were that which I yearn as an adult. But I always wondered where I could get it back. That's when I realized I don't need to punish myself for not doing—that's actually counter-productive, and attracts the wrong frequency—instead I move onto another thing I'm interested, knowing that eventually I'll get back into it. But one thing I always forget is that I will get back to it, because as a kid, I would obsess over one thing for just that time. Only now as an adult I see myself redoing it, perhaps out of FOMO, or maybe because I want to go back into that childhood essence of play that got stripped from me. As an adult, my interests start to solidify, as I'm not that ADHD-pilled kid—or trying not to be—anymore. Slowly, I see myself regressing—both positively and negatively—yet still maintaining that child-like play that I ever so yearned for after years on my self-improvement journey.

I am not obligated to anything, I am not forced to do anything. Whatever I want is whatever is willed. Ya Allah, I ask you to guide me. You are the only one. And you are the best of guiders.

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