2025JAN23 ☜︎︎

Nightmare or Daystallion

I feel as if I'm in the midst of waking up in a dream, everything feels as if it is like a fog. Almost like I'm bound to wake up in a dream, which I most certainly like to entertain. Having to breathe air while you're awake feels like such a hastle.

"Why me?"

"Why not me?" replies my subconscious. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I awake as if I have infinite time, but like I have already died. I still fear but entertain the dark. I absorb light but none escapes from my event horizon.

While walking to class, I walked past one of the elective council members that rejected me in a unanimous vote to not put me on the student board. Only when a person went up to me for some help on directions did I even know that that council member was there. He dabbed me up then he asked me how I was. And I said "I'm

...

doing good." And I smile at him because I don't even know what to feel, maybe I'm exhausted, but nah, that did the trick. I could be overthinking this but enemy is a day. We stood awkwardly, then his attention went to the person that needed help, and we parted ways as he guided the person.

This morning I dreamt about her. And as I reflected on the dream, I realized that the less conscious I am about this person—but the amount that they affected the chemistry of my brain—the more that the projection of her that I have will subconsciously affect my brain, as if I had implanted an astral entity into my head without my consent. It will rule whenever I can't see it, and it will affect me for the rest of my life if I'm not careful. I'm not at all paranoid, I'm probably schizophrenic for all I care, but knowing how events that you ruminate on for such a long time can jar you for a long time. When I talk about you, I'm talking to me. Personifying things give it power, ignoring things make it powerful as well. Don't think of a pink elephant. Objectifying animacy is fetishizing, and cold exteriors of long-gone animacy make room for fantasy. God is.

Now, don't think a pink elephant.

Awaken.

Reading is pretentious, the words fly by like a cherry blossom. Reading also makes me want to sleep. It's pretty effective at it, and it's a good way to carry profound thought through your night (I'm no expert I'm just a yapper). I wish I could sleep anytime, and then wake up anytime.

I fumbled 😭

Go back to sleep.