( 1:40 GA )
After yesterday, I reanalyzed more than usual about my life circumstances. I went to a CNY party with my family, and saw so many fine shyts performing. And I diligently tried not to feel any sort of way, but they were actually fine as hell. I didn't sleep at all, but I think the coca-cola at the party actually helped me stay awake, then I took a long restful sleep after like it was just another day.
The next morning—a.k.a today—I woke up with a bit more clarity—not so much though, god-willing—but I woke up like it was a good day. I didn't feel refreshed, probably a bit sore from all the head turning due to whiplash, but I felt different. Like, something dormant in my brain suddenly popped up. I continued with my usual routine, but I couldn't help but feel slightly weird watching ASMR in the morning, something I've been doing ever since I ghosted fine shyt. But now that I typed that out—yeah—it does feel weird doesn't it?
The revelation I recieved while going to the gym was how my first situationship panned out, and how it affected the second situationship—which caused me to set up defense mechanisms to cope with the jealousy that I felt—subsequently starving the relationship of the second situationship. I didn't want to cry funnily enough, but it was a beautiful explanation to my otherwise dormant-parted-brained self. I am slowly getting to understand myself more after all of this. Though my friend is highly encouraging me to talk to her if deep down is what I want, I would rather like a few days—plus a Sunday of going to church with him—to see how everything pans out. But now I face another problem, using her as the fuel source for my bidding.
This problem is very unique, because instead of hating and wanting, now he's just added hope into the equation, and this feeling that I have has left me dazed beyond belief. I am just confused on what I want. So I have made a chart explaining external vs. internal motivations for fine shyt as shown at the very bottom of this page (I'm not doing allat).
I think this is the extent that I would say would describe my situation now.
| external | internal |
|---|---|
| I affect her by coming into her life—either through her fuel being absolutely torn apart as well, mystery torn, feelings come back, or something else that I haven't though about yet. | She affects me by me coming into her life—either through me fuel being absolutely torn apart as well, mystery torn, feelings come back, or something else that I haven't though about yet. |