( 11:24 GN )
I notice that I isolate from people a lot. I probably don't hang around people unless they want me to come with them to do stuff. I gotta reject more people for what I really want and what I really think. Time with people is alright, but then I don't know what to talk about with people. It's probably because I don't want to reveal my vulnerabilities that I have. But I know that is the way of building that foundation of trust.
I notice that when I isolate myself from others though, I become much more creatively inclined. I use these emotions to actually feel, rather than scrape by on just ego and proving that I'm better than everybody over and over again. And to a certain extent it's sustainable only in certain conditions. But I'm not sure about that condition I'm in. I used to be ego-driven as a kid, particularly in being that weird kid that knows a bunch of facts and has a bunch of weird hobbies that not a single soul in my school would even consider partaking. And it was genuinely fun, because I was able to show people my hobbies, and they would get weirded out, but then they just see me as that kid that nobody really knows how to relate to. And I still can't relate to anybody at all on a visceral level.
I really wish I did. I really wish that I can be vulnerable with the right people, see other people's vibe, and surf the same wavelength as they are. I want to approach a person and have it click. I want to see how I can just talk a bunch and reveal who I really am. And that they accept me for solely who I am. And I hate people that try to say to do so and so, just so that I can become "better". And yes, I agree, but that advice is as practical as it is soulless. Thank you for the advice, no thank you that you gave it to me in that way. You are a fucking low level ape that cannot comprehend the amount of frustration it gives me where you think I'm a soulless individual that will suck your dick under your corporate wooden boarded black-legged table. With any advice, it's practical, but it's like diagnosing person's problems with something that kinda looking the same, but then turns out it's fucking lupus. God I fucking hate you kinds of people. Not you the reader, but I wish to talk to those individuals using second-person pronouns.
Everybody actually pisses me off with how they try to get me into certain things. Like just because I'm curious doesn't mean you have to bombard me with information left right and center. If I truly wanted to know that, I would be asking for more, but no, that shit doesn't apply to me, so I want what will get me it. I am not going to people please your shit and suck your dick one last time 'til that shit explode. Please for the love of God I don't wanna hear your bullshit ass advice that will fulfill your ego as a "helpful" man. It would've been so much better if you shut your mouth for once and just stopped right there. Actually, you people are fake. The people that call me fake are fake. I'm tired of their bullshit. I actually fucking hate you people. What the fuck have you done to benefit me in any way, shape, or form. Absolute nothing.
0.
Notta.
Nothing.
You are so fucking ignorant I swear. You don't understand shit about me. I can't even tell you what I keep thinking in my head, because you guys won't shut the fuck up. I beg of you to keep your mouth zipped.
I mean that with pure intention and pure honesty. Whatever is the purest form of what I'm feeling right now. You use your psychological manipulative tricks, only for you to be a jerk to me. You shouldn't have even talked to me. I hope that with my voice, I could speak some sense into you. That's why I go to the gym, so I can say what I want to say without fearing assault. And I want to stand for those with strong mouths and minds, but not strong bodies. That speak with goodness. I want to find reason in this world, but not another reason to fuck you up.
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