( 11:06 GN )
I have not been attending classes.
I am basically an unemployed bum.
After I kept rethinking about my life decisions coming until now, I really hate the program that I'm in. I would deadass rather take something in philosophy than this. But this means 5 more years in school. Am I willing to take the risk to do that? That just sounds like bad game design.
The game of life is a very tricky road, because you can only know so much, and you can only know as many paths that can lead you, and even those are determined by other people, but not your internal state of being. Your soul can only work with what has been given to it, but what has been given to it is as useful as it is an illusion. And yet this illusion makes sense: I mean, it appeals to the senses and logic in a way where it's infallible. So of course things like math would be very appealing for those that want to appeal to their logical side the most (a.k.a. logical people). But I hate using the phrase "logical people", because I used to describe myself like that, but yet somehow I slipped so far away from it. I actually became that which my shadow as a kid would never think about.
Being such a meathead nowadays, and now I'm actually sacrificing school in order to get a bigger bench press which—now that I see it—is actually insane. Yet the definition of insane is to do the same thing but expect different results, which is exactly why I'm not insane (cope). I'm doing what's best for strength plus hypertrophy. But am I doing what's best for me?
During my grade 10 year, I started meditating, and I meditated for a year—maybe almost a year and a half when coming into grade 11—and I meditated a minimum of 30 minutes, trying to get to 1-2 hours of meditation. But I realised that my abilities basically enhanced, but my sense of purposelessness after this meditation era soared tremendously, and I felt overwhelmed by literally everything. Here's the thing about what I'm thinking. I want to experience the world without meditation, and then re-experience it with meditation. Essentially reading a good book twice, because of course my life would be that good. But I want to do what I want, and that's why knowing what I want. And it's really hard for me to know that, because I haven't experienced much life. Meditation for me, seemed almost like an escape, and I became an advocate against meditation. But the longer I go without meditation, the more I realized how much it had a hold on my life. I'm essentially disabled without it. My ADHD got worse (undiagnosed). My depression got worse (also undiagnosed). And my sense of direction has gone to shit. When I was meditating, I felt like I understood everything, and could pay attention to everything, but now I feel as if I have a chokehold on a thread, but that thread carries the rest of my life, and I'm trying to unravel this thread without trying to degrade the structure of my already disorganized life. That is the frequency that I'm currently putting out, and that is the reality that I'm currently living. I genuinely feel like I'm doing worse than ever. But yet all the stuff that I desire feels like it's coming together. Like, my understanding of life feels like it's becoming greater, and my gym goals are getting closer, but my sense of the future and my feelings of the past just get worse and worse. Actually, with the advent of not thinking about ex-fine shyt for a while, I'm starting to feel hope for once. Not the motivation hope bullshit on the internet, or the misconstruded bullshit of hope from other people, but when the small voice inside you starts to literally illuminate a future that you could grasp after going through the months of hopeless bullshit and copium that you start inhaling after your psyche dies from a broken heart. After all of that, I feel hope for once.
I've also started assessing the people around me—the ones closest to me—and I realize they want me to do what they think is right, rather than push me in what I feel is right. And to those people, I see their vision, and rightfully I can say, fuck you to all of you people, as you have not benefited me in my journey of self-actualizing, but rather you conflate your wisdom with the best wisdom, and that's why people step on eggshells around you, because they constantly see your idealized version of the world as the actual thing that they HAVE to achieve, not as a path that rather only you—yourself—would consider, and that's right, only YOU would consider it as the best path. Useful, beneficial information is not useful without any guidance, temperance, or love put into it. Even your view of me is flawed, because you think I have the greatest mental health and self-actualization in existence, but you fail to appeal to one thing about me, that I am human.
Seeing my life pan out like this is actually kinda crazy. I tried to become the Overman. But I failed in my attempt due to my lack in meditation. I only dulled after cutting through what I could, and did not sharpen that which I had to.