( 9:52 GN ) 五马分尸
I'm feeling torn up. Doing work feels hard. I want to do everything. I feel terrible all the time. Well, not terrible, I just want to feel good and proud about something for once. But then when I become proud, I start to self-sabotage and feel as if I don't deserve it. Childhood response tells me that so many of the things that I wanted and even achieved have been taken away from me because of other people. I know that it's all my fault that I haven't achieved the best of the best—or the creme de la creme—but every time I interact with people, they judge me based on my action. Actually I'm only judged based off of what other people think I am. They try to match and benefit the projection—the past—version of me they have in mind; but it turns out, people change. I change as much as the next guy, yet the people closest to me try to make me think I'm this when in reality I WAS that.
I never am, but I always was.
I want to do more, yet curiosity spreads me thin. I am thinner than the blood of an elderly man on blood thinners, yet he still desires to live if he's on them. I currently have bloody stool and the flow won't stop. When I was dense, I was stubborn and unbreakable; when I'm spread thin, I'm brittle and unbearable. Shattering into fragments and affecting those that do not know how to tread. Actually, fuck treading, if they don't have a hazmat suit, then they don't know how to deal with me properly. That's why on my instruction labels, I warn those to evacuate if they break me, because I rocket out and break things without my knowledge, and uncontrolled without their ability to predict my next area of attack. I don't want people to deal with me. It's like my aura went from orange to brown. I got a brown aura now.
:(
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