( 9:18 GN ) Solace, Info junkie
I find solace in the fact that I allowed the thoughts of ex-fine shyt to not completely ruin me, but I mean it kinda did. If a caveman saw me, he would think I'm just a lazy ahh fuckin person. Or he might think I'm hibernating. Who knows. But yeah I would be rotting away as much as possible when it came down to that period of time in my life.
I remember in the young adults service talking to the couple, they asked about times in our lives where compromise and selflessness was required to progress in life. And I remember answering that question, and telling about how I isolated myself from everyone, and I just felt so lonely as a consequence of that. I remember before the service I was talking with those friends and I realized during that moment that's when I became very vulnerable in that situation.
Another lesson is allowing yourself to trust others and open up to them and be vulnerable. That piece of vulnerability can strike a chord with the right people. But you have to experience who the right people are. You cannot be vulnerable with just anybody. And sometimes you just harden up when you're with the wrong people. But knowing that you're with the wrong people, you can finally see. You can see and discern who is wrong and who is right. And you just become critical of everybody you surround yourself with.
I dislike those that are jerks, because I understood what it's like to be on both sides. It's actually kinda crazy seeing how I can become that which I once did something unto, and then understanding myself more because of that experience. It's like I'm being guided on human psychology, but only because I'm socially more aware than the average person.
That being said, I still have a few things that I haven't gotten over. I've gotten over being a jerk to others. But I feel as if I've become a people pleaser, or have always been a people pleaser. And that's something that I notice, but I don't really see why I shouldn't. But then I realize that I don't have much time for others, and it is best if I follow my own schedule. But here's the thing, I actively prevent myself from having "fun", where in my situation, ex-fine shyt was the thing that I saw fun in. Even though I would like to be friends with her, there's that excuse of saying that I don't want to have the feelings come up again. And truly, I don't, because I currently don't see the benefit of her falling for me again, when she's gonna be shipped outta my area. However, I see my friend, who is a mutual between her and me, and I hear stories of them having fun. But I really get jealous and want to join in. But I always feel like it's too late, and that I'm going to disturb them. Even though it's just a VC, these are people too. What I notice is that in my stage of isolation during the pandemic, I became very isolated from everybody. And I felt as if I didn't really relate to anybody, and I always said the most "out-of-pocket" things, but I never saw them as out of pocket. I saw it as so far in the pocket, it ripped. Like, this was revelation that was inspired to me, and yet it felt like nobody even understood or was willing to understand my ideas. And so I kinda got shamed out of this era of my life. But it's almost as if it was a scar, rather than a transition. Just like how trans people that fully transition do stuff to down there.
Even though I chilled on the "out-of-pocket" stuff nowadays, I feel as if I've suppressed a part of me that wants to be so authentic, that it doesn't care to offend people. I would like to offend people with truth, rather than insult, but truth without love is cruelty, and love without truth is vainglory. Often truth is given to me without any use for me. For example, let's say a person tells me a bunch of useful information that can get me to a higher position; but my current position, I'm actually just trying to enjoy the view. I am not practical as they are, yet we are both living life. It's just that person thinks that I could do "better", I don't necessarily want to do "better" because they don't know me holistically whilst I'm in that position. And I think that's the main flaw with self-improvement. Once you shut off your ears, shut off your eyes, shut off your senses, and try to stop reacting and start truly feeling the sparks in your mind, eventually stuff with sort itself out in your mind. The information has to latch onto something and make a stable connection with the rest of your life, but if you keep on learning without this practical step of doing, and this purposeful step of even trying to connect it to another thing in your life by saying "why?", then this is exactly truth without love, even though you have a love for obtaining truth.
Ever since I was a kid, I was an info junkie, but I liked doing stuff. But I never really questioned why I like doing the stuff I do. But when I did, I just thought I was an analytical person that liked math and memorizing different facts. But then the great shift happened during the pandemic, and I was suddenly failing classes. Yet I still went onto high school and got really high grades, getting honours with distinction one time. But I found it so funny that I became such a degenerate during the pandemic, yet I kept this side of me throughout highschool, and even somewhat recently. I think this is a part of my shadow that wants to be expressed, but it finds itself expressing itself in wicked ways. When I surpress my thoughts, I surpress my shadow. But as you heat up water in a vessel without opening its lid for it to cool, it explodes and causes more destruction than if you allowed it to cool from time to time. Eventually this water is able to evaporate out and lessen over time. Essentially the testosterone is like the water, and the vessel is my body, and the process of exploding is my impulses. But if I opened the lid, I could cool it down. But even with this amount of testosterone in my body, the stuff around me felt even more real to me. Studies show that high amounts of testosterone can actually make you delusional, but low amounts of testosterone can make you feel depressed. This is due to testosterone being an emotional regulator, and almost in a way a tool of working through senselessness and building routine without purpose. You can work hard and like it. So this means if you lived life with high testosterone, it distorts your perception in an exagerative manner; and life with low testosterone, it distorts your perception in an intolerable manner. And so any amount of testosterone cannot give you the true reality, unless you can believe that every single ng/dL perpsective is that person's representation of life. And yet, without testosterone, there's no love. This is because love is actually not just an emotion, but rather a mandala of all the feel-good emotions. When you're in love, you just stop thinking rationally, and just start doing. Just start doing. Like testosterone. Yet the motivations behind the two of them are different. Somehow though, both hormones get you through the feeling of purposelessness by making you feel present whilst also presenting you delusion. But that's my yap on that.
Lowk I think I produce frequencies that are deeply trying to resonate with the universe, but I'm not conscious of them until I am. Like when I don't want to hang around somebody, the universe will do something for me to cause some sort of distance between me and them. But sometimes I'm not clear on what I want, and so accidentally I get drawn closer to them. Like fine shyte. But in this era of me right now, I am sending out deeply ingrained yet hidden subconscious frequencies out into the universe, and it is presenting me with what I deeply wanted. There's a reason why I'm making myself look worse and also getting my self-esteem down as a result of it. This is so that my brain can be forced into change. And change it did, yet everybody around me cannot pinpoint what I changed except what I say myself. And I know I don't like work, yet I work hard for what I secretly want. I guess this blog is secretly what I want. But it's that overcoming of the initial fear that I want to conquer, but the thing that plagued me in the past was my fear and the thoughts in my head talking me out of it. But really those thoughts are discouraging me. They do not want to see me improve. That is the work of Satan. Indeed that is not the work of God. I must be harsh, and yet I must redeem. I must point out yet I must forget. I must be aware but I must not know. I spark forms without my 5 senses. Perhaps what I'm saying is vain, yet this is the way I don't blow my brains out.
You know, this week I prayed like a Christian rather than a Muslim, and something shifted in me. Yet I'm still holding onto my iman, my faith as a muslim without even being a muslim. I felt as if I stopped existing, and yet I was holding onto my iman by a thread. I felt like if I were to let go of my initial iman that I have built up for the past 3 years, that I will give up a piece of me that I didn't realize existed. Perhaps it was my fitra. Because indeed I was engaging in fitnah. Perhaps I surpressed my muslim side from others for fear of ridicule. But even showing my muslim side, people want me to become muslim. Yet I couldn't commit for how it differed from my life, and I still had this feeling of attachment to this dunya. And so I decided to be agnostic (or well, I'm actually a gnostic), yet still try to fit in and try to believe with all my heart in a certain religion, and try to understand from others and try to understand by myself how it works. And I think I go farther than most people. I'm certainly not ignorant when it comes to the religions that I try to follow, but at the same time, I know that I don't know.
Perhaps one of the reasons why the friend still connected with fine shyt doesn't really talk to me mcuh about stuff is because his mind and his heart is not with God. And he's so focused on the matters of this world, rather than seeking deeper truths that reflect the nature of God. Or perhaps the only thing that he can think about is how other people act, and he tries to make a connection with them, but he forgets that there are some things that I actually don't give a shit about, and yet I still care enough to listen. I observe, and observance is key, plus thinking, plus patience, and that's an ultimate trio right there. Perhaps I seek too much of God. Perhaps I should be like Nietzche's Zarathustra and promote to the people that God is Dead, and we have killed him, and just enjoy this life for a life trying to find God is meaning less. Yet, I'm stuck between a crossroads of so many different highways, that I'm essentially dodging all of them as much as I can, yet they are all crashing into each other, and eventually I just need to stay on top of the crash of vehicles and relax, while the cars keep trying to swerve just to crash into a new car, or miss and crash into the existing pile. That represents my mind currently. The people around me say but don't do, or do but don't say, or say and do, or otherwise just rot. I feel like the kind of guy that says but doesn't do, and yet I'm on the verge of rotting: Not saying and not doing. Even writing that, I feel as if I need to strive for higher, especially spiritually. But I feel as if I haven't developed anything to give up. I don't have anything to sacrifice except my negative attributes, and perhaps even my positive attributes. Perhaps I sacrifice the attributes that make me neutral and confused, like people-pleasing, or analysis paralysis. Perhaps it's time to give up my decision-making to God. Maybe no longer the God of Islam, but now the God of Christianity. My heartstrings are being pulled thin and are being played like a fiddle, and the reason being is because I do not believe in shirk, but I want to experience something new. Jesus is not yet lord, but maybe let's just start off as friends. Just like fine-shyt.