( 11:40 GN ) Ghost spirit, Agnostic theist
CW: THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU OVERWHELMED ABOUT LIFE
Just watched a video on spirituality talking about the 12 stages of consciousness. The final level talks about how there is no end or beginning, and that everything has ever been, and that you become a prisoner if you don't realize this. But I feel like the 13th stage of consciousness should just be "I am", just like how the burning bush tells Moses of its highest nature. Perhaps that stage of consciousness is the most unachieveable, probably impossible to reach, because we are humans unable to rid ourselves of our physical aspect. This is why so many religions tell us about how helping your fellow human is much more of a reward than the highest reward and personal devotion to the highest being. But I'll tlak about that later. What I find it interesting is that all the prophets had to have a distorted version of reality presented to them where they had to have the mind fit to recieve revelation. But why? Well, it is due to their spiritual practices, and willingness to try and understand God. While also having the genetic blood given from the first man. Mo ﷺ and Jesus often meditated in caves. Jesus is a special case because he was already gifted with the gab ever since he was a kid. The Buddha had to undergo something similar, but it was rather a shock that led him to a radically different path than what was planned at the time. Of course all of these were spiritual revelations that happened due to their ability to seperate from people and become alone. Sometimes, I delude myself into thinking that I'm a chosen one, and that I can think about much more deeper things than a lot of people. Sometimes, I'm quite scared to talk about the stuff that I want to talk about with other people because of either ridicule, or if they actually do listen, they don't try to understand it in its entirety, and they don't try to see the lens in which I come from, and it accidentally ruins them due to a difference in mindsets. My mindset is essentially a mix of lower and higher consciousness, yet I cannot maintain a grounded middle between them because I don't see myself as that. I cannot see myself as that, because I see something far beyond that which is in the middle. I'm an anti-centrist of sorts to say so the least.
You know, even though I know compromise is one of the best things that you can do for a relationship, it only goes so far until you sacrifice your entire being to something you don't even love. With somebody you love, you love them for who they are and they love you for who they are. This is unconditional love with one condition, it's conditional when they stop loving you for who you are. And sometimes in a human it's in a snap. Like it's very hard to love somebody because they cheated on you, but then you love them regardless when they make it up to you. Now that's conditional if I've ever seen it. But then it's the most unconditional love. But the reason why it's conditional is because they had to make up for it. So yes, it is conditional. But yet you want them to learn their lesson so that you can give them your love, so really it's like a parent's unconditional love to see their kid grow. So this is the thing that gets me very confused about love. But rather than analyze, push it aside and feel the love and experience this dilemma for yourself, and you realize that that stupid shit is able to live with you rent-free without making you die on the spot. If it was entirely improbable and an impossible of a definition, then so be it, that situation could not exist. Like how there aren't unliftable stones, or square circles, or how 3 equals 1 somehow. These things do not exist because these are illogical propositions that cannot be fulfilled without compromise of the universe. And even if you did try to fulfill it, that universe cannot exist, because it cannot hold that. Like for an unliftable stone, the physics on that stone must be so infinite that the universe cannot run with it existing. Even in a vacuum and it spawned, it cannot exist through the definitions provided by the universe. Or a square circle, that means edges are round and round are edges, and therefore knives cannot cut and pi equals to 4. So even thinking about it is so unworldly, I'd even take it a step further and say it's ungodly. But there's a lot of solace in the fact that God is unable to create something even though he's all-powerful. Like it feels like limiting Him in a way. But with that, it develops this idea that some things being "God" is simply a laughable idea. Like how the Church says Jesus's nature is fully human and fully God. And of course that's impossible, because that's like saying to Him to create a stone he cannot lift. This is because God's nature is absolutely perfect and cannot allow contradictions to happen. If that were the case, the universe would not be able to exist in harmony, only chaos. He is perfect and infinite, therefore something that overpower's his infiniteness is unable to exist by definition, or else that attribute is just God. Contradiciton in existence cannot and never will and never has been allowed in the presence of God. Now how does this relate to the beginning of this paragraph? It doesn't, but let me try to: Our relationship with God is unable to be compromised, because we live with Him literally every single day. He is closer to ourselves than our own jugular vein. Yet, you don't see Him. You don't even feel Him. But you "feel" Him. Is that so? Idk. But He loves you, and will punish you, and will give you tests, and He will send you to heaven or hell because He is the best of judges. It's like a mother or a father. You must obey His authority. But it's like a friend or psychologist or counsellor, He will give you advice becauseHhe sees what's best for you. But of course, you must have eyes that can see, and ears to hear, and a mouth to respond. And even those three must not be in vain. Does it sound overwhelming? Think about this, you've already lived life without God plenty of times. Even if you associate yourself with a religion or spirituality, you will forget Him at times, and yet you still lived. So you don't have to be religious or spiritual in order for you to breathe or see or eat or shit. You exist as a human, and have needs that need to be met for your continuance and post-continuance.
That being said, the only reason why I'm feeling like this is because I nutted, and the post-nut clarity is actually insane, because I was trying to understand the storm, but I near it, but then I get caught. I want to edge it so hard that my psyche is able to think with the head up here, not down there. I do feel dirty, but at the same time, I feel enlightened. I feel foggy, and yet the mist has cleared.
I know that this feeling is absolutely vain and an illusion, or perhaps this is a way for me to reflect on what I have just done. I lowkey slept for the entire day and did not want to wake up because of the amount of fluid that just got out of my head. Perhaps I need to drink water.
But yeah, another thing I want to point out is how I stopped meditating so that I can actually feel like I can manage life. I know, probably the most enlightening thing to ever say. But if you are always at service of people, you do not have time to think about yourself and your input. You become a player without becoming a conductor. And yet so many people, even me, want to become a conductor before becoming a worker, or never becoming a worker at all. And for me, I want to create, but I don't want to create on my own. I sometimes just wish to think about something, and it manifests as exactly what I wanted. But I know that's absolutely impossible unless I have put in some kind of work. And yet all this yearning is something that I'm outputting as a frequency to the universe. However it's just not existing. Therefore, something is conflicting with my current understanding, or another frequency is conflicting with the frequency that I'm aware that I'm putting out. So it might come down to two things: Evil eye, or lack of full conviction in my belief of the thing existing.
I still think about ex-fine shyt even to this day, and even though the thoughts have less effect on me and have reduced significantly, I am unable to feel like I have control over these thoughts, and these thoughts have gotten even more refined and romantic, even without my permission. I'm not using any strategy other than just letting it pass. I don't know if I want to come back into that VC. But I gotta make my wrongs into rights, even if the execution isn't entirely perfect.