(6:33 GN) in tongues.
Every single day I feel lethargic, and every single day feels like I'm about to dissolve. What I mean is that I feel super trashy, and that I'm going to be judged regardless, even if it's not true. It's like anxiety, but too personal and too real. It's like the anxiety is a tangible thing that I have to face in order for it to dissolve, or else I dissolve. And I feel like when a part of me is mentioned by another person that is true and is a trait that is disadvantageous. For example, today I got got by a person that I've been semi-trying to distance myself away from. And even though he has my back and has my best intentions, his frustration showed to me that he cared about me. But, that's something that I was trying to grapple with for me currently. Tough love is indeed tough. And idk that shit kinda funny. But it did feel stressful. And when people put that pressure on you, does that mean they care? Well, yeah, they care. But I don't care about myself as much as they think I do. They keep talking about "Oh, he doesn't have any form of self-preservation." But no dumbass, that's a joke. And I get that this person that I'm talking about in particular surrounds himself with fuckin skibidi ass people, and the stuff that is said is very hard not to be taken sarcastically if you have been in that situation, it's definitely interesting how he doesn't switch personalities when it comes to certain friend groups. But that's what makes me love him more than this other person that I will talk about, who constantly changes his personality, especially around girls, and it's because he got girl cousins. But the way he entered into ex-fine shyt's life like that is what really irked me. And I have talked with him about it, but how far can I live by lying. Appearantly those last two people that I have talked about love lying to their parents to bits. And I had to struggle with the fact that I cannot do what is required of me, therefore lying about my duties, therefore distructing the sanctity of my word as a man. Because a man is a man of his word. But man, it's fucking difficult dealing with these hormone fluctuations. At least I'm not at home rotting away in my shi. I don't like rotting.
And so that is why I started engaging in aum meditation. Meditation is like journalling, it's absolutely fucking useless until 6 months in when you get the greatest revelation that has ever grazed mankind with a single testicular flick of scared divine primordial energy. I started meditation in grade 10 and ended in grade 11, and so it's been 3-ish years since I've done a meditative streak. However, the effects are absolutely incredible. I don't regret going through this glow down, as it was meant as an end to my depressive thoughts of not feeling worthy. I remember walking to my house a few days ago and that's when I started having uncontrollable "I don't wanna exist" thoughts. And I actually got scared. But at the same time, I want to lean into it after this Ramadan. Oh yeah, did I mention that I am gonna fast this year? I've been fasting for the past 3 years. This year, I think the thing I want to give up is negative thinking and yearning. It felt so strange just to think those thoughts, ever, but I want to lean into those thoughts more, just so I can say "fuck this" and get myself out of it. But I think I pulled the plug a bit too early, so I will definitely start listening to my body for the next 3 days, then once Ramadan actually starts, "I" will awaken. But it is not I, for God speaketh through me. Speaking in tongues type shii ahahhhh.
Today, I paid 5 dollars to attend a networking event. Shit was small and ass, but I got to meet the president of that club again. I felt like an omnipresent being when I was walking with them, because my presence felt so normal when I was around them. I really wished I had asked more questions, because after the event, carrying out this shit was so trivial. I really want to join their club because I already know the people there a bit, and so why not commit fully and just get it up and go. I gotta join next semester tho so I can't be sigma digmamalian.
:(
But nah it's cool.
:(
I really enjoy being this entity, rather than a person. I am an experience rather than a person. I don't try to act cool, and I know I don't act cool. But I do sometimes try to relate to other people, but then it becomes a flabbergasting battle of the cools between people, and it becomes sheer annoyance that this person tries to jump into that conversation. But for me, I realize my mistake. I jump into other people's conversations without protection and full throttle, rather than easing into it with a question. And I love to question, but sometimes my ego gets in the way where I just can't make the sale because I was too busy trying to prove my intellegence like a smartass, rather than proving my hollistic value as an experience. But I understand why I did it, and because I have made it conscious, I'll try not to do it.
The way I phrase my sentences towards myself is very particular due to the nature of belief in yourself. Though you can spout a lie until it feels and sounds true, you can alternatively just not do that, and transition into belief that is slow and steady which will win the race type shiiiiiii ahhahahahhahahahdosufh;ousdhfoudshfou[isdhf[idsns.