(10:05 GN) The Atman, Arjuna's Chariot
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Recently thinking about how my friend crying to me about his fine shyt. Escalated in only 4 days but lasted only 4 days. She friendzoned him dawg.
But just remembering how he was crying to me reminded me about the impermanence of things, especially as I notice it around me. I have let go of trying to make friends, and rather just talking to strangers as already old friends. And yet my old friends are as estranged as those strangers. Feeling this feeling of impermanence is quite tricky, as I don't want to lean into it, but I don't want to dislike it. It's actually quite relaxing seeing how everything fades into the background. But the thing that worries me is that I'm going to fade into the background. And that's the part that gets me a little existential here and there.
Hearing my friend cry reminded me of all the sad times in my life. Attending two funerals during the course of highschool, hearing my drunk brother sob when my mom saw the condition he was in, hearing my mom cry out to my other brother after it was too late, crying about ex-fine shyt. Sometimes I have little bouts of panic. Nothing bad to manage, but just really off-putting to the day. It's almost like it wears me down, and I can't help but be the rock eroded by the wind of these comments. Letting my team members down by not doing work. They know I'm in a rut, but I feel powerless, even if I can lift 2 plates for 8 reps at 200lbs bodyweight. I didn't go to the gym today, that's probably why I feel like booty. Anyways, I don't feel content with my current positioning in life, but it's because I was not mindful of the present, and I was not mindful of God. The reason being was because of my glow down that I purposely did for 8 months, and now I'm purposely trying to dig myself out of it even though it feels like a limp arm that has been slept on funny and feels like TV static once you wake up. Do I regret it? Kinda, because I didn't fully commit to resisting all the good. Just like how I'm struggling now to resist all the bad. It's like my heart knows something is wrong, and it needs to return to homeostasis because it knows that it cannot handle this. But I remember seeing a video that got recommended to me and I cried when listening to it. I wanted to cry all my feelings away. Just like how I wanted to nut all my feelings away. I wanted to feel like shit. And like shit I felt. But I still have the urge to relapse into this behaviour again because it felt comfortable, and almost too familiar. But I know that this is a trap of Satan.
Sometimes I want to cry every-so-often too, but I don't have the same capacities for emotion as some other people. But I am always in an interal state of crying, panic, or awe. Perhaps even fear. Perhaps even gratefulness. I want to be grateful for everything, but it feels slightly fake. Nah, I'm grateful for you to exist, I'm grateful for the house I live in, I'm grateful for this blog, I'm grateful for the people that are still here with me, I'm grateful for the hardship that I endured and the eventual problem solving that I was able to figure out on my own, I am grateful for my mom who gave me the life I'm living today, I am grateful for God that I am trying to discover him, and I am grateful for the people who believe. I am grateful that God has given me a house and family members to put me through trials and tribulations and eventually make me understand my purpose here on Earth.
I want to cry out of sadness but out of joy. It's a funny duality, but I know that emotion is the way to living life. But don't let it lead your life, you must control it.
The chariot of the body. The five horses represent the five senses (tongue, eyes, ears, nose and skin). The reins, the driving instrument, symbolize the mind, the driver is the intelligence, and the passenger is the spirit soul.
I've been distracting myself on trying to beat Queens on LinkedIn, I am actually the best. Sometimes you need that self-compassion.